faith

Faith. It’s such an all encompassing word that often feels so distant and cerebral. It’s a difficult thing to put into practice. Doubt often creeps into the human side of the hope you feel when attempting to have faith. Let’s set it straight- I fully believe God exists, loves me, and has great plans for me. I also know that He wants me to have deep faith in Him every moment and every breath. It’s often difficult to do for me since I am so analytical by nature. When things are not going the way I had hoped, I often question God’s role in my life and want to take charge for myself. It usually doesn’t go well. In reflection to an ongoing event in my life, I have some words to say about the thousands of God fingerprints I can see in hindsight all over my life. This is just one of the many examples.
About three years ago, the Saturday after Mother’s Day, I got the word “faith” tattooed on my foot. It serves as an artful reminder of God’s grace to heal me of my past and to remember that every step whether mountain or valley, He is there. I had a sneaking suspicion that I would need this tattoo as a reminder of God’s hand on my life, so it took me awhile to actually make the appointment. I jumped in feet first deciding I would need faith in my life even without the tattoo and getting it was not determining this “bad event” I felt looming would occur. Needless to say, the life crisis did occur as I felt it would. I needed that tattoo and God knew it. I needed a visual reminder to walk by faith not by what I feel at the moment or can see. This valley has gotten dirty and muddy and I often got stuck in my own despair. Jesus always picked up my sagging head and told me to press on in my journey. Some days it was difficult to even pick up one foot and some days I was aware of His presence guiding me. As I am treading out of the mud and can see the mountain now, faith is easier to come by. I still have that small echo in my mind telling me I am not worth it and will never make it out of this murky field but I am staying focused on the sunlight- the mountain ahead. I’m still tear stained and dirty but a smile is beginning to surface from under my pain. When I sing, pray, or am still I am ever aware of His consuming love for me, His daughter. He is healing my wounds and cleansing my soul and giving me joy where I had none. I feel I am gaining a new capacity to live and love more deeply. That He would be with me every step on this journey and still encourage me and love me even on the days I was angry He wouldn’t take me out of this mess, still baffles me. He has shown me in so many ways how deeply He loves me yet I still doubted Him and myself. I feel a sense of hope and firm faith that God is completely in control of my journey- more than I know.
I mark the first step on this journey as the Saturday after Mother’s Day I got the word “faith” etched on my body and soul. Today I am writing this with a smile as I report that if things continue on the path I feel God has me on- my joy will be complete the Saturday after Mother’s Day three years after I made my first step of faith. God will set me onto another journey, and this time I have developed perseverance and faith.
When you feel like you can’t see the sunlight let alone the mountain, God is still there guiding you- so loosen your grip and let Him. When you feel like nothing good can come and your plans are failing- use the last of your strength to keep your eyes on Jesus. He will guide you across the muddy water into His arms. You may be dirty when you get there, but who said places worth going had shortcuts.
I’m asking God to be with the doctors and Paul and I as a tiny baby is to begin its journey in me sometime in the next week or two. May he or she grow strong and healthy and arrive ready to conquer the world with His love. Peace and grace to you.

why not

So I have been stewing about the idea of writing about my recent infertility expereinces. I feel its a personal thing and don't want the people in my little world to know on one hand but on the other feel like I want to be an open book so I can help the one in six couples who face fertility struggles. I think I may use this platform to do so. No one ever talks about this issue- maybe because its a private stuggle you think you can handle on your own. It has been the biggest struggle I have faced to date (aside from Pauls cancer) and its emotional and spiritual signifigance in my life, in my opinion, is noteworthy. If one woman stumbles on this blog and I help her feel like she is not alone in this, my job is done. I am sure not many people read this, and to those of you lovely people who do- I don't mind that you know. So, why not?