2ww

I am currently in the two week wait after my day five embryo transfer. I have three long long days left between complete joy and pain. I must say that I have scoured the internet for hope from others-only to face the reality that I have no control. It does not matter what others have expereinced or what symptoms they have had-because everyone is completely different. The medicine I am on causes cramping, moodiness, breast tenderness, nausea, anxiety, acne, hunger, and tiredness to name a few. These symptoms mimic pregnany symptoms to a t. What is a girl to do? Please take a moment to read the below blog I found. She beautifully puts into words the agony of the two week wait. However, she is in the two week wait I pray I will be facing in 34 weeks.....

Update: The Final 2ww

Yes, it's been a long time.But today, I thought it was time for an update. It goes out to the few straggling readers who may happen to stumble upon this, but mostly, it goes out to my husband... and to myself.I'm 38 Weeks today - which means I have 2 more weeks to go. When I realized this, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of quiet retrospect for everything we've gone through. I feel the need to pause. To remember. To have a moment of silence.The Two Week Wait.It is the one sentence that can still strike fear into my heart. That brings up feelings of isolation and resentment and pain beyond belief. Who would have thought that it could actually mean this? Who would have thought that I could ever have made it this far? That I am two weeks away from holding my baby in my arms, from realizing all our hopes and dreams. To me, it's one of those days, where I feel more blessed than I ever could have thought possible. I feel grateful. I feel relief. I feel excited. But mostly, I feel, the need to say goodbye. This will be my last 2 week wait... ever. It's like saying goodbye to an old familiar friend. An enemy that constantly ruled my life. An addiction I could not break away from. A way of life that kept me stuck, that held me down, that sapped the life from my body until it was only a shell of what it once was.But no more. Today I am taking my life back. Today, a new day has begun. Today, I let go of the old, the pain, the hurt, and say hello to my future, the wide open amazing road that lies ahead.And I am grateful.I am about to become a mother.
We are about to become a family.
It's all really about to happen.My pregnancy has not been without it's problems. We started out with twins, and lost one of our babies along the way. I was sick 8 times a day for the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy. I tested positive for gestational diabetes. We were in and out of clinics. We worried. We wondered if we would make it. But we enjoyed it. We bought little bity baby outfits, we decorated the nursery, we had maternity photos taken, we took classes, we made our birth plan, we took little vacations away together. We wanted to freeze this moment in time, to never forget it. To savor it like a glass of expensive red wine -- one that you know you will never have again. We wanted to make the most of our one and only pregnancy -- to talk to and love our little boy each and every day. To let him know how wanted he is. How much we love him. And how he saved our lives.I've been thinking about it. About the long journey it took for us to get here. About infertility and the heartache of it all. And I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that finally becoming pregnant, that finally getting a chance to hold our baby in our arms, isn't even the best part about this whole thing. It's getting our life back. It's finally not feeling like our life is on hold. The ability of being able to move forward, and not being stuck on a constant merry go round that you can never get off of. It's being happy again. Being able to find the beauty in life. Being happy for others. Reconnecting with friends. Opening our hearts up once again. Becoming part of the world. Of life. Being able to breathe. Being able to smile and laugh. Being able to love. But mostly, it's being able to once again, hope and dream.I know there are many of you out there who are still fighting this awful battle. And I hope that you will be able to hope and dream again one day too.And to my husband...
I love you more than anything in the world. You are my best friend. And I can't wait to see you holding our son in your arms.xo

faith

Faith. It’s such an all encompassing word that often feels so distant and cerebral. It’s a difficult thing to put into practice. Doubt often creeps into the human side of the hope you feel when attempting to have faith. Let’s set it straight- I fully believe God exists, loves me, and has great plans for me. I also know that He wants me to have deep faith in Him every moment and every breath. It’s often difficult to do for me since I am so analytical by nature. When things are not going the way I had hoped, I often question God’s role in my life and want to take charge for myself. It usually doesn’t go well. In reflection to an ongoing event in my life, I have some words to say about the thousands of God fingerprints I can see in hindsight all over my life. This is just one of the many examples.
About three years ago, the Saturday after Mother’s Day, I got the word “faith” tattooed on my foot. It serves as an artful reminder of God’s grace to heal me of my past and to remember that every step whether mountain or valley, He is there. I had a sneaking suspicion that I would need this tattoo as a reminder of God’s hand on my life, so it took me awhile to actually make the appointment. I jumped in feet first deciding I would need faith in my life even without the tattoo and getting it was not determining this “bad event” I felt looming would occur. Needless to say, the life crisis did occur as I felt it would. I needed that tattoo and God knew it. I needed a visual reminder to walk by faith not by what I feel at the moment or can see. This valley has gotten dirty and muddy and I often got stuck in my own despair. Jesus always picked up my sagging head and told me to press on in my journey. Some days it was difficult to even pick up one foot and some days I was aware of His presence guiding me. As I am treading out of the mud and can see the mountain now, faith is easier to come by. I still have that small echo in my mind telling me I am not worth it and will never make it out of this murky field but I am staying focused on the sunlight- the mountain ahead. I’m still tear stained and dirty but a smile is beginning to surface from under my pain. When I sing, pray, or am still I am ever aware of His consuming love for me, His daughter. He is healing my wounds and cleansing my soul and giving me joy where I had none. I feel I am gaining a new capacity to live and love more deeply. That He would be with me every step on this journey and still encourage me and love me even on the days I was angry He wouldn’t take me out of this mess, still baffles me. He has shown me in so many ways how deeply He loves me yet I still doubted Him and myself. I feel a sense of hope and firm faith that God is completely in control of my journey- more than I know.
I mark the first step on this journey as the Saturday after Mother’s Day I got the word “faith” etched on my body and soul. Today I am writing this with a smile as I report that if things continue on the path I feel God has me on- my joy will be complete the Saturday after Mother’s Day three years after I made my first step of faith. God will set me onto another journey, and this time I have developed perseverance and faith.
When you feel like you can’t see the sunlight let alone the mountain, God is still there guiding you- so loosen your grip and let Him. When you feel like nothing good can come and your plans are failing- use the last of your strength to keep your eyes on Jesus. He will guide you across the muddy water into His arms. You may be dirty when you get there, but who said places worth going had shortcuts.
I’m asking God to be with the doctors and Paul and I as a tiny baby is to begin its journey in me sometime in the next week or two. May he or she grow strong and healthy and arrive ready to conquer the world with His love. Peace and grace to you.

why not

So I have been stewing about the idea of writing about my recent infertility expereinces. I feel its a personal thing and don't want the people in my little world to know on one hand but on the other feel like I want to be an open book so I can help the one in six couples who face fertility struggles. I think I may use this platform to do so. No one ever talks about this issue- maybe because its a private stuggle you think you can handle on your own. It has been the biggest struggle I have faced to date (aside from Pauls cancer) and its emotional and spiritual signifigance in my life, in my opinion, is noteworthy. If one woman stumbles on this blog and I help her feel like she is not alone in this, my job is done. I am sure not many people read this, and to those of you lovely people who do- I don't mind that you know. So, why not?

waiting

Waiting.
God knows I am the most impatient person. Seriously.
I am even thinking of how to get this post done quickly....
When someone is going five under the speed limit I get annoyed, when Paul doesn't say a word fast enough I complete his sentence. When will I ever learn?

There are no shortcuts to places worth going.

I am in a place in life where I think I can see the horizon of what God has in store for me, finally. Just when I saw that horizon I was pushed backward about ten steps. Another setback. That's okay. I am going to use this time I have waiting. It is a divine waiting of sorts- a spiritual discipline opportunity. I am going to free my heart and mind to allow God to speak to me whatever it is He is trying to say that is so important He made me wait, again. I think the problem is that whenever things start going my way I lean on Him less and lose focus. I want to lean on Him in every situation, setback, and success.
So, I raise my glass to waiting.
May the Lord teach me and show me Himself as I drink Him deeply.
Cheers!

Happy Easter

We had a really nice Easter Sunday. Paul led praise and worship at the am service- he is my favorit worship leader- so I enjoyed that. (I am biased, I know) Then after church we went to my parents house. I made delicious mac and cheese and some pineapple stuffing which went great with ham. I also made a delicious new cheesecake I found in one of my grandmothers old recipe books. It was chocolate silk with a sweetened sour cream top and ganache. It was grrreat! We played Wii for awhile and then went home. We hid some treats in the yard for Zeke as a sort of easter egg hunt- too bad he had no ide until we pointed a few out to him. Silly puppy.
We then both crashed on the couch for a solid hour! Then jumped up and went to my in-laws house.

We ate some yummy desserts and had coffee while we laughed at the four dogs playing with each other. We played apples to apples and had some spirited discussion. Hilarious. I then hugged my brother in-law good bye. He is leaving for Iraq for one year and leaving his wife of one month behind. I feel saddened for them both- that they don't get to foster that relationship during thier first year. I know Sam is very proud to serve his country and I am proud of him too. I will be in prayer for his physical safety as well as his spiritual and emotional state as I am sure it will take a toll on him. I pray God grows him during this time. I also pray for Casey that she will try not to focus on the what if's but try to find comfort in God's protection. Even though they are apart- I pray God will grow them closer to Him individually so when they come back together it will be like they never left.

Overall, it was a nice Easter. It was interesting to reflect on the sacrafice Jesus made for us. Most of us had easter egss hunts and chocolate bunnys and some attended church and most did not. I feel like even for those who do attend church, we don't really realize the depth of meaning to this holiday. I imagined what it must have been like for the eleven, Mary, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and the others after Jesus died. Deep despair- He was supposed to be the hope for the world and now He was gone. How joyful it must have been to see Him again and confirm all the things they believed about Him. I can't fully comprehend the depth of the emotions that must have occured for Jesus and those who were there. I just know we often take for granted that this is not just a story. Well, I can't think of any other way to end it- since I am just rambling here.

I hope you had a wonderful Easter. :-)

thirsty

Check out this link and read the first page.

My husband is starting a class today and this is one of the books he is reading. In an attempt to be able to have conversation with him on his subjects and also learn myself I opened the book yesterday. Wow. What a great opening. If the rest of the book is as good as the first couple pages- I think I may keep reading. I also simply enjoy the parallel he has between our human bodies and the spiritual. It especially hits home for me since I have been trying desperatly to lose weight and am watching every single thing I put in my mouth. Sometimes I listen to my flesh and say "my body needs that extra bite" when it likely may not. Maybe I am trying to fill a round need with a square peg and don't realize it. What is the deeper issue? I see myself and my non-Christain co-workers struggle with life and try to replace thier need for God with shopping, relationships, independence, and other such fillers. Little do they know they are thirsty for God. We often run ourselves raggedly in circles trying to fill our hunger and we can't see that all we need is some living water. Hmmm- still pondering....

I am going to keep reading...

things i love

During those times in life when things are a little out of control and direction is unsure- it's nice to reflect on all the great things God has given us in our every day life. Here are a few I have had the chance to have in my life lately that bring me joy:
I smile when:
When my puppy's eyes tells me how much he loves me
tulips begin to bloom
I think of the organic garden I am planning
playing rockband with the fam
when my husband dances in the kitchen
diet dr. pepper
quiet evenings at home
a clean house with a candle flickering
getting lost then finding your way
sleeping in
baby smiles
being at home in my sweats
holding Paul's hand
cereal and cold milk
singing with Paul while he plays guitar
walking to the mailbox with Zeke
opening my windows
laughing til my cheeks hurt
cooking for others
hosting parties
my mother of pearl ring
watching people
snuggling with the blanket my grandmother made me when I was four
getting closer with my family
reading a good book with some hot tea
watching Zeke wait at the window for Paul to come home
applesauce with cinnamon
sending someone a card
holding my goddaughter
watching the sunrise in my backyard
making someone else's day a little better

I hope I made your day a little better my helping you remember all the litle joys in life God has given us.

Psalm 126:2Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."